The Studio Source.com

Do you ever want to unplug from the 21st Century and send messages by carrier pigeon? Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to give up and live in a nice, comfortable, media-free bunker?

Friday, 5:15 pm. I receive an unsolicited email about a business opportunity. Over 100 other people received the very same message. I know this because the sender neglected to create a proper email list, so I can see the address of every recipient.

Do I need to explain why I don’t enjoy having my email address broadcast that way? Do I need to tell you, dear reader, the hazards of exposing your mailing list to dozens of people in one fell swoop?

(Note: if you don’t know already, there is legislation governing direct marketing. There are also best practices, and national marketing associations where you can learn how to do it, online and offline, legally and properly.)

Things just get better from there.

How to (not) win friends and influence customers
So I’m instantly annoyed, and wondering what kind of yahoos I’m dealing with. To give the benefit of the doubt, these people might be thoughtful, kind, and wildly enthusiastic about creating a mutually beneficial business relationship, but if you call yourself a marketing professional and can’t create an email list, you don’t exactly make a stellar first impression.

Next comes the body of the email.

The pitch doesn’t sell me the benefits of participation. It doesn’t really sell anything at all. It’s mostly an introduction to attached documents. I get a sense of “if we build it, they will come,” plus the hope that just jumping on a hot trend will be sufficient to ensure success.

Strike two. I’ve seen too many failed ventures that start with that exact mindset. Plus a lame pitch doesn’t encourage me to bother clicking through to the attachments.

(Another note: the quote is, “If you build it, he will come.” Not they. Different idea entirely. Despite what many people seem to think about business, creating a venue isn’t enough.)

It really is in the details
There are two small images at the bottom of the message, jammed together side by side, but the image files aren’t the same size, so they’re misaligned.

Small detail, yes?

Not really.

If you want to present a professional image, get the visuals right. Two mismatched images at the end of a short email stand out. Since I’m already unhappy, I notice it more than I would if I were eagerly looking for the rest of the information.

There was no unsubscribe option in the email. See above note on best practices.

Say it like you mean it
The first attachment is an overview of the event. It’s a scanned document. And it’s crooked. The title begins with “Re:”

It’s a memo. They’re trying to sell me on an untried business opportunity with a crooked freaking memo.

I give up counting grammatical errors. I gnash my teeth and decide copywriting should be an adjunct to English classes in high school (replace “English” with your language of choice). Both should be mandatory. And anyone assuming a job title with Marketing or Communications in it should be required to pass a writing test and then required to obtain a license to use words, dammit, or sent packing.

Stay with me here. I’ve worked my way into a fit of righteous indignation. Hyperbole is a fringe benefit, and I get to enjoy every infuriating minute of it.

Robotic writing is for robots
The last paragraph begins with “We thank you for your interest…”

Yes, I know. Everybody closes cover letters that way. Except there’s no such thing as everybody, and it’s way past time we stopped acting like pod-dwelling, hairless, follow-the-herd robots and got a little more, I don’t know, animated, when we talk to each other. Like real humans, not the holograms in glossy magazines who wear more botox, silicone and Photoshopping than you can shake a virtual stick at.

Okay, fine. Maybe the person who wrote the letter hates her job and would rather be a chef. And I suppose it’s not fair to chastise someone for following conventions.

So I should yell about conventions that have largely outlived their usefulness. At least where copywriting is concerned.

Well, then. If you’re stoked about your new project, tell me about it. If you want me involved, tell me that, too. Sincerely. The way you’d tell a real person, because I am a real person. Form letters are dead air, and if the best you can do is go through the motions, don’t expect me to believe you have the imagination—or the guts—to make this thing happen.

Two days later I revisit the email to see if I was being unfairly critical. I realize there’s a PowerPoint presentation.

Let’s not go there.

Set your standards and stick to them
You might think I’ve gone over the top with this. But we’re not talking about somebody hacking together a tiny seat-of-the-pants business with no experience or training. These people aren’t absolute beginners. One of the organizations involved in this little shindig is an international company. They have resources.

And this is where they have chosen to set the bar.

These are also the people who will take care of marketing and promoting the event.

But it’s a small event, so none of this should matter, right? Plus if a big company does it that way, you should be able to do the bare minimum, too, and all the mistakes and ignored details in your initial contact with potential customers won’t matter one bit. Will they?

Consider this: everywhere you choose to conduct business, it’s you. Your brand. Your image. Your profession.

There are no small events.

What kinds of marketing drives you crazy? Have you seen something lately that was so good you want to tell people about it? Leave a comment below.